How mental illness has affected me!

** Trigger warning - Contents including Self-harm & negative thoughts**

Writing about these subjects is extremely difficult for me due to being scared of being judged. However, it’s such a taboo subject and hopefully the more people talk about these issues, the more normalised Mental Health conversations will be in society. 

I never thought I would ever confide in anyone about these kind of thoughts I have experienced, never mind sharing it to everyone. So, this is a really big and nerve racking step for me... but I know that in order for people to really understand Mental Health they need to know the experiences people have. 

Self-harm is when someone intentionally hurts themselves, usually to stop the mental pain they are experiencing. A lot of people don’t understand this and often ask questions such as ‘doesn’t it hurt?’ & ‘why would you do that to yourself, it leaves scars?’ And the answer to these 2 questions is that when you are hurting so much mentally, you want something, anything that will stop this. At that moment in time you do not think about the future and the scars that your going to have to live with for the rest of your life, in fact all ‘rational’ thinking stops, it’s like a numb kind of feeling, you just want the mental pain to stop. 

I first started self-harming around the age of 14/15. Still to this day I can’t tell anyone the reason(s) for this as I really don’t understand myself... maybe it was because of the breakdown within my family, as well as the stresses of school - However, this is just me assuming as I have never understood the reasons. 

When speaking to professionals regarding my self-harm I often got asked ‘why do you hurt yourself?’ And the answer to this question is because I want to be in control of something, I don’t want to feel the mental pain anymore so I physically hurt myself to stop this for a while. Physically hurting myself was a way for me to match the pain I was feeling on the inside, even if I did hate myself and regret it afterwards - This was never enough to make me stop! 

I still to this day do not feel confident enough to go out wearing short-sleeved tops because of scars on my arms and being scared of what others will say or if they will judge me. However, this is not how it should be... a person should not be judged because of the things they done when they where in a bad place. 


So many people who self-harm are called stupid, selfish and attention seekers. No one should be judged or called names because of their behaviours, even if it is negative. Many people don’t understand how much mental pain it takes for someone to physically hurt themselves to stop that pain and this is where the judging comes in. I myself have experienced this. The main thing to realise is that self-harming is NOT for attention - Why would someone hide their arms & legs away from everyone if they wanted attention? 

Self-harm is a NEGATIVE coping mechanism and can be very hard to stop when it’s started, a lot of people often refer to it as an addition - You can’t expect people to stop it over night, this will not happen. I often got told ‘just stop it’ but it’s not that easy. You need to find an alternative coping mechanism which is POSITIVE and works for you! This can take a few days, weeks, months or even years but everyone finds something else that works eventually. 

But... things DO get better!! I myself never thought I would ever be able to stop it but trying different distraction techniques and alternatives has helped me overcome this issue and I do believe that at least ONE thing will work for others, you just have to keep trying until you find the right one. 


It is estimated that 4 in 100 people in the U.K. self-harm

Then on comes to the negative thoughts.
A month or two ago I myself experienced negative thoughts which I can tell you is very SCARY! Coming to the point where you think life is no longer worth living is horrible... especially at the age of 17. Thankfully, I was able to open up to the right professionals and help/support was put into place.
Experiencing these thoughts can be very frightening, especially if you keep it to yourself. I found that speaking to ‘strangers’ about how I was feeling was easier as their feelings wouldn’t be hurt, whereas if it was family or friends they would probably be upset. I reached out to the Samaritans, which is a charity providing 24/7 support to people of all ages... either through phone, text or email. I found this very useful and used email more as I have always found conversations on the phone hard due to anxiety. 

The most important thing I want people to know is that if you start to get better and then relapse, this is okay, it’s completely normal for this to happen. What I’ve been taught by many mental health professionals is that when/if you relapse don’t beat yourself up about it because this will just make it worse, just focus on getting back on the right track. 
I myself have relapsed a LOT in the past few weeks and this is to be expected because it’s a journey to recovery and it won’t always be positive, sometimes things will go wrong like anything in life - It’s just the way you respond to it that matters. 

The reason for this post is to raise awareness around these issues as it is not talked about enough!!

If you need help/support go over to the 'support services page' where there are lots of different services you can contact. 



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