My journey so far!

This will be one of the hardest things I'll ever write but I want to speak out and show people that they are not suffering alone. 

Many people see me as a girl who has nothing wrong with her, she has family & friends who love her and she goes to college, why would she be unhappy? 

In fact I’m a girl who suffers from depression & anxiety.

I started to suffer from Mental Health issues when I was around the age of 14. 

My mum and dad broke up and going from having 2 parents around to just 1 was really hard for me. I didn’t reach out to get help and support at this point as I didn’t think anything was wrong and that it would just get better within time.

However, after a few months I realised I wasn’t fine and I noticed a change in my mood, I started to become low a lot of the time and have negative thoughts.

At this time I was in school and they reached out and spoke to me but I said there was nothing wrong because I was scared and didn’t really understand why I was feeling the way I was. 

After a few months I started to get worse, I couldn’t cope with all the negative thoughts and feelings and this resulted in me starting to self-harm. I was scared I would be judged so I kept it to myself and hid my arms and legs away from everyone, I didn’t want to be called an attention seeker.  After a few weeks my mum found out and made an appointment with my GP and I was referred to CAMHS   (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). This was really hard for me and I found it very difficult to open up and be honest about how I was feeling. I couldn't even open up to family and friends about my thoughts & feelings, so how was I going to open up to a stranger?

I was in year 11 at school, a year full of exams and stress. I didn't think I was going to get through it due to my constant low mood but with the support of teachers, friends and family I got through it. Throughout year 11 I found myself self-harming a lot more due to the stress and anxiety of exams. However, when it came to results day I was glad that I had passed my exams, I didn't get the best grades but I got the grades I needed and I was just glad I had made it through year 11!

Then as I started college we moved to a different town. I told myself I was going to throw myself into it and make loads of new friends and I did, my first year of college went great, I finished the year with better grades then I ever thought I would get. My Mental health seemed to be good, I was happy, I was bubbly and I was back to my LOUD self.

In September 2017 I started my second and last year at college and was really positive about my future. I applied to university and was so happy when I received 2 conditional offers.I felt like my life had been turned around and I had got over the 'bad part' of my life. 
However, little did I know it would start again.

In January 2018 I started to notice a difference in the way I was feeling. I didn’t feel like myself anymore, I became low in mood again and was feeling very anxious a lot of the time. My low mood and anxiety stopped me from doing things that other 'normal' teenagers where doing. Most other 17 year olds where out having fun with their friends, going to parties, going to clubs and I found myself isolating myself in my room by myself. After a few weeks of low mood, I started to self-harm again as I didn’t know how else to cope. I knew this wasn't right and I knew I needed to get help before things got out of hand. I was encouraged to go to my GP by a outreach worker at a local carers centre, but I didn't feel ready for this, so she gave me websites I could use, as well as a local Mental Health Service I could self-refer to. I started to use the websites and decided to make an appointment with my GP. I went to see my GP and didn't find it very useful, I felt like I was just been pushed aside, so I left the appointment the same as when I went in. After a few weeks I knew it was time to self-refer to the Mental Health Service, I filled out and submitted the form online and after a few weeks got an appointment. The morning of the appointment I was very anxious, I got there and the lady I saw was very nice and made me feel as though I could open up. I came out of the appointment and was relieved that I finally had some sort of support. 

When I first got the diagnosis of anxiety and depression I was scared and didn’t want it to be true, I didn’t want to be judged or labelled because I suffered from a Mental Health illness. I didn't want to be treated differently by anyone. I was scared to tell my friends and family about the diagnosis because I didn't know how they were going to react. I've always been a very private person and never really opened up about my issues to family or friends, usually keep it all to myself but I knew I couldn't anymore. 

The lady from the Mental Health Service has referred me to a Young Person's service where I will receive the therapy I need which will work alongside my medication. I was only referred in February so I am currently still waiting. 

Whilst all this has been happening I’ve also been trying to attend college full time but have found this extremely hard due to both anxiety and depression. Being anxious in social situations has been hard, especially when in college there are always a lot of people. My attendance has fallen due to this and I have also fell behind in college work due to not being able to concentrate. This makes me feel like a failure. I only have 2 and a half months left and I am still working on college work from December, I am just very overwhelmed with it right now. 

The last few weeks have been very tough. A few weeks ago I couldn't see a future for myself anymore, I had voices asking questions such as, 'why are you still here?' - I never thought I would ever feel this low, questioning whether life is worth living anymore at the age of 17, how did my life become this? 
This was very hard for me but I opened up to the Lady from the Mental Health Service about it and I have been referred to a psychiatrist for an assessment at the end of April. This is making me very anxious but I know in order to get better I need to accept all the help which is offered.

Just because someone is smiling doesn’t mean they are happy. What a lot of people don't understand is that depression can hit at any point... one minute your smiling and laughing, then the next your feeling very low and don’t want to be around people. This is very hard to live with!

I find myself smiling and laughing a lot of the time, mainly because I don't want to be asked questions, I don't want to have to explain my Mental Health illness to anyone. However, what people don't understand is that behind closed doors I am a girl who is falling apart, a girl who is physically hurting herself to stop the mental pain.