Relapsing is part of the journey.


‘Just get over it’ 


‘Other people have it worse than you’ 

These are just some of the comments I hear on a regular basis. Having a mental illness can be very exhausting and draining.

At first I was positive and hoped this would be my constant mindset. However, after being positive about it all at the beginning I felt as though I had to be positive all the time but that is not always going to happen. Everyone has their own bad days and the way people deal with them is different. 

The past 3 months have been some of the hardest, battling with my own mind on a daily basis has been extremely hard. Isolating myself from people, not sleeping, not being honest with my therapist are just some of the things that made me realise I wasn’t myself anymore. I don’t feel like me, the Courtney I know is the one who socialises with people, laughs, jokes and sleeps all the time and this is not who I am right now. 

I have relapsed and it has hit me hard, harder than ever in fact. For me finding the courage to admit to myself and others I have relapsed was extremely difficult, I didn’t want to be seen as ‘weak’. 
Constantly questioning if I’m good enough for everyone was and still is one of my daily battles and something I am working on in counselling. Then the not wanting to let other people see I’m low in mood because I don’t want to put others in a negative mood, so I just pretend I’m happy when I’m around people. However, behind closed doors I’ve been falling apart. 

 I am not happy, I am not myself and being in a dark place is very draining but only I can change that. The only person that can change the way your feeling is yourself, this means focusing on no one but you. 

This relapse has been one of the hardest to try and overcome, I’m not any where close to being the Courtney I was, but this will come with time. Focusing on myself has always been a massive weakness of mine, I always put people and their happiness before myself and my happiness but in order for me to get better I need to focus on ME.
Sometimes the people who seem the strongest, are the most broken. 
A simple message to ask someone if they’re okay can go a long way ❤️

Comments

  1. Unknown17 September 2018 at 20:21

    Your openness and honesty is so refreshing! I hope that in helping others you are able to find peace and happiness for yourself. They say those who suffer with mental illness are often the most loving and compassionate people,be becauthey give their all to help others since they know how bad it feels to be down and sad. Thank you for what you do, you may not realize it but you are helping others and I hope you find yourself again soon because you sound like an amazing person :)

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