Not everyday is a positive day

Mental health still has a massive stigma attached to it. For me I've always tried to be positive on my blog, however, not everyday is a positive day for people who are living with a mental health illness. 

Having a mental health illness can be very exhausting, feeling fine when you wake up and then slowly declining throughout the day is exhausting and frustrating. This is how I’ve been feeling the last few months, I will have days when I’m fine, I’m happy and then I will have days when I’m low in mood, extremely anxious and don’t want to do anything. The past 3-4 months low mood and anxiety has definitely taken over me. When I finished college in June I didn’t have anything to focus on, throughout the summer I isolated myself, didn’t want to do anything apart from lay in bed, I was extremely anxious everyday and I was having negative thoughts on a regular basis. This for me was draining and very hard to cope with on a daily basis. Battling with my own thoughts and feelings daily became very overwhelming. 

In June, I decided to make the decision to stop taking my medication and I done this without getting any advice off professionals. It took me a while but I finally told my counsellor and after a few weeks I decided to make an appointment with my GP, which I was very anxious about. So, just under 2 weeks ago I went to my GP and explained to him that I stopped taking the medication, I told him the reasons and we both decided I should go back onto it. When I made the decision to come off my medication I was in a bad place mentally, I didn’t want the help, I felt stupid and weak because I couldn’t cope with my thoughts, feelings and emotions by myself and I had to have the help of medication to help me feel a little better. I now realise it is something that is going to help me get better but it takes time.
Low mood, feeling extremely anxious, not sleeping and having negative thoughts on a regular basis has definitely taken its toll on me. Feeling anxious to the point I feel physically sick is something that I now feel on a daily basis, especially when I have to leave the house but I WANT things to get better so that means it WILL. 

I often wonder ‘will this ever get better?’ and ‘why am I even still fighting?’. This is when I remember how far I’ve come, this is when I remember the people I have around me. I’ve pushed away the people I love, I’ve pushed away friends and family because of the way I’m feeling but the ones who know that wasn’t the ‘real’ me have stuck by me and I’m forever grateful for that. Never did I ever think at the age of 18 I would have thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore but I’m still here and fighting because of the amazing people in my life. 
Time to focus on me and my recovery ❤️

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